I had a different post in mind for today but I’m gonna hold off. I need this one today. This is a balling while writing post, an opened floodgate of emotions that when written down im almost positive make zero sense, but help me get it out. Bear with me. 

Haven and Mia have bunk beds, Haven was climbing things before she learned to walk. I always thought it was so strange, but I’ve learned its pretty common in sensory kids. Havens figured out that she can climb to the top now on her own. No big deal, right? Wrong. When I said in previous posts’s that Haven feels no pain, she has no fears, I meant HAVEN FEELS NO PAIN, HAVEN HAS NO FEARS. She has jumped/fallen off the top bunk twice in the last week, landed on her feet, didn’t make a peep and got back up and did it again. After we put her to bed in her bed one night, Matt went to check on her and she had climbed up and fallen asleep in Mia’s bed. It broke my heart for more reason than one. If she wanted down from there we wouldn’t have known. She can’t tell us she needs down. She could be up there feeling scared, alone, abandoned, happy, anything and I wouldn’t know. She couldn’t tell me. I hate that. It is the absolute worst feeling in the world not knowing what your child is feeling or if you are always meeting her needs. It cuts so deep that I cant always help her. You know what feels equally as bad? Having a child that seeks out danger, and not being able to stop that or deter her from the things that could cause her pain.

Havens bunk bed jumps have sent my anxiety soaring. I lay in bed awake for hours listening for her to get up. I never feel like I fully fall asleep, I am always on high alert. I am so scared something is going to happen and I am not going to be able to prevent it. My job as a mother is to protect my girls, to keep them safe, I know that’s not always going to be the case. Accidents happen, shoot Mia broke her arm by tripping over her flip flops at two. I couldn’t protect her from that. But with Haven its different. Its a whole other realm of scary. It’s constant warning and worrying from doctors and therapists, “anchor her dressers, pad the floor, lock all windows and doors, put door alarms, her chances of drowning and running away are so much higher, be careful who watches her, etc etc…” It’s terrifying. It’s easily been one of the hardest parts of this journey.

I talked to Havens therapists about my concerns and anxiety with this. Her OT wants us to do a sleep study at Rileys, Her DT thinks we should try melatonin (I’ve been on the fence about) but her DT told me something I needed to hear to. Don’t get so caught up in your fears and anxiety that you forget to celebrate the little things. That I needed. I have been so stressed and scared and overwhelmed that I’ve been missing the little things. The things that will help calm my fears and keep us going. Haven works so SO hard for the basic things most parents and kids take for granted. Those deserve and need to be celebrated. For all of our sakes. I’m gonna take a minute and celebrate the little things, the every things.

Havens therapist wrote on her report today “It is so exciting to see her want to look/read books.” Haven would never, ever sit and try to look at a book or learn when we tried with her. She has trouble sticking with any one thing for very long. This is a huge thing, this is how we start learning. YAY Haven and Yay Amy for loving our girl, celebrating our girl, and reminding me to celebrate our girl.

Haven is counting to ten, ON HER OWN! Wooooh! This is something we have been working on for months and just this week Matt and I have noticed her doing it on her own at times. Our Havey is so smart, the possibilities are in her, we just have to learn the proper ways to help get them out of her! 

Kids like Haven don’t show a lot of emotion, I don’t hear I love you, get kisses, or hear mommy out of her often if at all. I hate listening to moms complain about their kids saying momma all day long, id kill for that. But Haven has been putting her face up to mine, kind of like a hug. It’s the deep pressure her body is craving when she does it and i feel it’s her way of showing me love. Towards the end of the fair last night she had a bad meltdown, Matt and Mia got on a ride and Havey and I sat down, I squeezed her tight, and she pressed her face against mine. Tears rolled down my cheeks because I felt her love.

 How lucky am I to feel her love?

xoxo

Taylor