And still I rise 

This is probably going to sound like a pity party for one. So be it, but these last few weeks have been so hard and I just feel like some people truly just don’t get it. I don’t expect strangers and acquaintances too, but even close family and friends don’t truly comprehend it. I feel like this last couple of months we’ve really started to see some progress in Haven. All of our hard work and all the bad days we’re finally, after six months, starting to pay off. And just as quickly as the good feelings and days came they’ve been swept away. We’re back to violent meltdowns, endless hours of screaming, and virtually no sleep. Some days it feels like I’ve lost her again.  I read a quote that said “you only see what I choose to show you” and that has really rang true to me lately. People see the pictures of my beautiful blonde hair, blued eyed, dressed head to toe in Matilda Jane girl, smiling at her momma or sister. People don’t see the days where I sit balling, defeated after my two year old busts my lip and just ripped handfuls of my hair out. The days I call my momma balling because this is just so hard and I feel so alone. The days I have no idea what to do when she’s hitting, pinching, and shoving her sister.  The days I can’t leave the house or put her down. We have zero groceries because my help is severely limited and Haven can’t handle the store. It’s all so much more than what meets the eyes. No one sees it, but it all so real for us. 

I had to leave work last night because for the first time in 15 months Matt couldn’t get Havey to calm down. Shoot unless I was holding her I couldn’t get her to calm down. I left crying because people don’t get it. Few people have empathy or hearts these day. I’m not asking for pity but understanding, compassion. No one knows how bad it physically hurts my heart to have my daughter so upset she’s hiccuping and covered in hives and to not know how to fix it or what’s wrong. She’s fed, she’s clothed, she’s loved, yet she’s so unhappy.  Some weeks We take night shifts on and off while she screams for hours. We take turns trying to lay with her and comfort her and still She screams until midnight and is back up by 3 am. I feel like I’m in a constant fog. I’m just emotionally and physically drained. I love my girls and the time I spend with them but a hard day at work is easier ten fold then most easy days at home. Work is the only break I get and even on the bad nights where I run my butt off and working with the public is less than ideal it’s still my break. I get to use the bathroom alone, usually eat a warmish meal, have adult conversations, and I’m generally too busy for the dark and scary thoughts that normally consume me to creep in. Work is my break, and that alone is sad.

 I sat in our pediatricans office crying today looking for answers. The last few days have been so tough something had to be wrong. After the normal 4 of us restrained her to check her ears, nose, and throat they couldn’t find a thing physically wrong with her. I asked Dr. P how many kiddos like Havey she had, she answered quite a few. I then asked if this was going to be our new normal? My child is fed, clothed, and loved and still she’s miserable. Should I prepare myself to have an unhappy child? She assured me it won’t always be like this but we are going to have some tough, trying times. 

I wrote most of this post last week but have had a hard time mustering up the courage to publish it. I felt extra vulnerable and feel some have been so judgy lately it makes me hesistant to post. I also know there’s so many others going through worse things than us currently, know many of you make my daily prayer list,but this is our struggle.This weeks also been hard, full of lots of tears, and sleepless nights. I’ve tried digging deep to try to come back to peace with this life. To focus on the on the happy moments and the girls accomolishments instead of dwelling on the bad. We head to our Autism Specialist Wednesday and I am a complete ball of nerves. I’ve cried doing her re-evaluation paperwork and during all of our therapies this week. It’s all so nerve wrecking. It’s hard to watch your daughter be completely picked apart and it’s scary to not know what our future holds. I ask if you are the praying type to send us prayers for the week ahead or at least some good vibes. (And possibly wine) 

xoxo Taylor

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