Today I quit.

Today I quit. As I sat balling, uncontrollably sobbing in the Macy’s parking lot I quit. I didn’t want to do it anymore, and worst of all I didn’t know if I could. I didn’t know how to get through the next 5 minutes, let alone the rest of the day. 

It was a normal morning, rushing out the door to therapy, feeding the girls granola bars because we didn’t get up in time for a real breakfast. We had two sessions and for Haven missing a week and being way off her normal schedule this last week she did really well. She was mad leaving the therapy gym as usual but nothing too out of ordinary. We packed up and headed to the mall. We were all starving and I had promised Mia she could use her build a bear gift cards. I went to put Haven in her stroller and it happened. She lost it. The toughest thing about Haven is she’s a walking, semi talking, ticking time bomb. It’s like playing on a land mine, at any given moment she can go off and explode. Although Havens speech is getting better ,there still is a huge communication barrier. It’s a constant guessing game in which the time to diffuse her is extremely limited. Today nothing helped. She didn’t want in the stroller. She didn’t want out of the stroller. She didn’t want her iPad, paci, juice, me, to stay, or leave. I decided we would go, it wasn’t going to get better so we loaded back up. When Haven gets that bad you can’t get her in the car seat. She’s thrashing and going limp, ripping her hair out and mine, and clawing both of us. The Drs call it fight or flight. She turns into a possessed hulk. After 20 minutes and countless people stopping and staring i had to force her body into the car. She then kicked her legs out so I couldn’t shut the door, making it so I had to climb through her door over her and hold her legs to shut the door then climb up front. And there I sat, sobbing in the Macy’s parking lot, then Mia started to cry, all while Haven is still screaming at the top of her lungs and ripping her hair out. I sat cursing God. Why me? Why us? I just wanted to do something for Mia. Why does everything have to be so hard? Why can’t I as Haven’s mother figure out her needs and make it better? Why does she get like this? It’s not fair, it’s so not fair. And it hurts. The blood from her clawing my hands and the chunks of hair she ripped out of my head don’t hold a candle to the pain of not being able to help or console your child. It’s the actual heartbreak that hurts the most. It’s the feeling so helpless and alone and not know how to fix it or make it better. 

Today was easily the worst it’s ever been with Haven. She screamed at the top of her Lungs the entire trip home, ripping her hair out and clawing my hands that tried to keep her from harming herself while trying to drive and fight off the then never ending tears. Poor Mia sat with her ears plugged and a coat over her head, crying on and off. I was so defeated when we got home. I wasn’t going to do anything the rest of the day. I had had enough. I never get a break and I so badly needed one. I sat crying on Mia, my sweet 5 year old who gave me a pep talk and told me I was the best momma ever and it wasn’t my fault. Thank God for Mia. She is so my person, she feeds my soul. 

And then I un-quit. I Picked my broken heart up and continued on with my mom duties. I put myself in the girls shoes. How hard it must be to be Mia, she was so excited for build a bear. Instead she had to watch her momma and sissy break down. How extremely hard and scary it must be for Haven, to be trapped in your mind. Where no one understands you and you can’t communicate your basic needs. So I un-quit, and played play dough with the girls, had a dance party, played dress up, cooked, did laundry, and cleaned the house. As hard as it is we have no time for quitting and pity parties. We have to keep moving.  The scary thing about Autism is there is no answers, there’s no manual. Theres suggestions that may have worked for some but every kid is so different. Today was the hardest yet but I know there’s harder days to come. That scares me. The future and the unknown scare me. The constant pain in my heart scares me. I wouldn’t trade my Haven or this life for anything but today it’s all a bit overwhelming and scary. 

xoxo Taylor

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