Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.
Most people who go through traumatic events may have temporary difficulty adjusting and coping, but with time and good self-care, they usually get better. If the symptoms get worse, last for months or even years, and interfere with your day-to-day functioning, you may have PTSD.

Havens therapist brought up that they thought Haven and I may need to see an additional therapist, due to their concerns of both of us having PTSD, this is a topic I feel extremely weary to post about due to the usual stigmas that are associated with PTSD. PTSD isn’t supposed to happen to mommas that have just witnessed the most terrifying thing in their life, it’s only talked about when it happens to soldiers, those in war, it isn’t supposed to happened to mommas, except when it does. 

I don’t know what PTSD feels like for sure but it may feel like watching your Grandma, physically holding her, as she takes her last breath, and a week later watching as they remove your daughters breathing tube and she takes her first. I don’t know what PTSD feels like but counting heart rates to know your child’s pain levels because she cannot verbalize her pain to you is pretty fucking painful. I don’t know what PTSD feels like but listening to the click of an IV machine, making sure it clicks, as it is the only thing pushing nutrients into your sweet thinning baby makes your mind a bit obsessive. I don’t know what PTSD is but rushing your limp child two and a half hours, alone, clenching a cross, to the only hospital you trust after hearing the words chemical meningitis feels a lot like trauma. I don’t know what PTSD is but watching a nurse, the ones that are supposed to be taking care  of your sweet baby, straddle your daughter and force meds down her throat until she vomits, multiple times, against your will and request, feels a bit like war. I don’t know what PTSD is but listening and watching doctors disregard your daughters basic rights and needs as a special needs autistic child, and only looking at her as a neuro patient, causing lasting trauma and effects will stick with you. Forever. I don’t know what PTSD is but Not being able to sleep because the night mares and cold sweats flood your body are probably pretty close. I don’t know what PTSD is but Haven screaming no ouchies as soon she smells bleach and sees red wagons may be it. We don’t know what PTSD is but taking turns holding each other while we cry ourselves to sleep is probably pretty close. So maybe I don’t know what PTSD feels like, I’ve never been through war, besides the one I fight in my mind daily, but I have a pretty good feeling what it may feel like.  

I really don’t know what PTSD is. Shoot, I don’t know much these days. But I know I will trust our therapists instincts and do what’s best for my babies everyday. If that means seeking help for Haven, myself, or all three of us, then that is what we will do. I am committed to consistently building a stronger, happier, healthier family. PTSD or not, nothing will stop that. 
xoxo Taylor