When love hurts

I have been in emotionally controlling and abusive relationships, and that love hurt. I have been is physically abusive relationships, and boy did that love hurt. I have watched those I love struggle with drug addiction and mental illness, and that love hurt. I have been neglected by those who were supposed to be there, and that love hurt. I hear all the time about how love hurts, different problems and relationships lead to painful love. But never in my life has love hurt like this, or this bad. 

There’s something about your fragile three year old punching you in the face repeatedly thats brings a whole new meaning to pain. It’s not so much the physical pain, but the mental pain of someone you love so much, with every single part of your being, fighting so hard to hurt you and honestly not being able to help it. That love hurts. Having to forcefully,  physically hurt and restrain your child from hurting herself or others further, that love hurts. Having your child scream for HOURS, to the point of losing her voice and throwing up, sitting there, trying to be the calm, telling her you love her and trying to help, while tears drain from what feels like your soul, that love hurts. Holding that child until she finally exhausts herself and falls asleep or the storm finally passes and she comes back, that love hurts. Today was hard. Today’s love mentally and physically shredded me. Today’s love hurt.​

I don’t usually show this graphic and raw part of our lives to this extent. I had taken this video to send to one of Havens therapists in hopes of her being able to help, which thankfully she did. This was the beginning of hour two. She took a bad fall and hit her head hard earlier in the day so I think that played a role in how bad and long this lasted. It was just Haven and I as Mia went to Adams to escape the chaos. The screaming is a lot for anyone to handle, let alone a sweet worried 5 year old. Sometimes these meltdowns last minutes, somedays though these meltdowns consume our entire day. In these moments though it’s just me, there’s no one to tap in, give me a break, a word of encouragement, or a shoulder to cry on. And that is so hard somedays. It’s hard doing the hard, all the time. It’s hard when people only see the pretty faces and smiles and not the kitchen floor late night crying. It’s all just so damn hard some days. 

Coming back from vacation is always extra rough on Haven. Being off her routine for a week, with no therapy, and all the traveling really messes her up. Kiddos like Haven thrive on routine and consistency. We’ve had so much going on and her brain is still in the healing process, it’s all so much for her tiny self to process. 
We have some huge changes coming up and would appreciate prayers and good vibes. Mia starts kindergarten Wednesday(eeek) Haven will be starting preschool in a couple weeks as well as ABA therapy. I have gone back and forth on ABA for some time, after picking the brain of a sweet friend I have decided to take the leap.  I am weary but hopeful. Always willing to try anything if the possibility of helping Haven is the outcome. This will be a lot of big changes at once for Haven, and all of us honestly. I’m praying she adjusts better than she has been lately. I’m praying Mia loves kindergarten and makes so many new friends. Im praying God continues to give me strength and guidance. My momma heart is weak and so very nervous. 

Keep on, keeping on y’all. 

xoxo Taylor 

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