Early last week we met with Mia’s new therapist, she looked at her and said Mia in life you have two choices. You can be a survivor, or you can be a warrior. You my dear, are going to be a warrior. We are going to build you to be a warrior. And as much as I know she was saying that to her, I think God was really making sure I heard it. A few days later life as I knew it came crashing down around me. My world and heart shattered. I’ve struggled to function, to process, and to not want to just climb in bed all day and hide from the dark and scary world around me. The thing that keeps playing in my mind are the words of that therapist. I am not a survivor, I am a warrior. I am not my past, I am a warrior, I am not the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, I am a warrior. Although In this moment I feel as if I’m just surviving, one day I will look back on these times that shaped me into a warrior. That shaped me into a better, stronger momma. That shaped me into a better significant other and friend. I may not be there now but some day I will be. And if you are in the trenches of pain, I hope you know someday you will be a warrior too.
I’m not a newbie to trauma. My childhood had a nice sprinkle of dark and scary. A steady mix of neglect and abuse led to not always ideal choices and lots of misplaced anger and pain. I made some mistakes, looked for love in the wrong places, thought because of the trauma I had endured through out life that I was bulletproof. Learned more than once that I most definitely wasn’t. I think when you go through a steady amount of emotional pain you feel invincible to any other pain that may happen. It’s like your body and mind become numb. I was numb, for a very very long time. Being numb hurt less than living in reality. Then one day I made a choice, a decision, I wasn’t going to be my past. I wasn’t going to let it consume me. I got the help I needed to heal, lots of therapy, working on myself, and setting goals. I worked three jobs and began to give myself a better life than I had been given. When I got pregnant with Mia I promised myself she would never go through the pain or have the childhood I had. And since that day I’ve done everything in my power to do that for both of my girls. I work multiple jobs to meet all their monetary needs. I try to build them strong to the world around them while also keeping them within my reach and out of harms way. I will make sure they always have a voice, a safe place, and know they too are warriors.
You have a choice. Your trauma and pain may be different. Rather it be a toxic relationship, job, family member, or just some internal struggles. Remember you always have a choice. You are in control of your life. Remove the toxins. You absolutely cannot heal in the same environment that broke you. You can be a survivor and just get by. Numbing yourself from the world with drugs, alcohol, or just emotional detachment. Or you can fight for yourself. Remember your worth. Get help if you need it. There is no shame in that. Every day is another chance.
I’m not whole again yet, I honestly am unsure if I ever will be. The dark and scary comes every night in my dreams, at times I find it’s all consuming. But I will be okay. I have been taught the proper tools to cope and work through my emotions, I have a few really awesome family and friends that won’t let me sink, and I have two beautiful girls that keep me swimming and fighting for myself and those I love around me. Grief is tricky, it comes in waves. Different things trigger it. What works for one may not work for everyone, but everyone is worth finding what works for them. Be a warrior. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
To those who have carried me during this tough time, thank you. Words will never be enough ❤️